A diary entry

Promise to keep

I can no longer try to be less just so you could feel better about yourself, fix your insecurity and be a healed whole person !!!

I struggle with holding myself back from doing the things that I love or be the person who i truly am, throughout all these years I kept dimming my light because other people are intimidated by it, i kept dimming my shine so that they can feel better about themselves, gradually i lose all my spark completely lost myself in the process of becoming less and stop doing all those creative stuffs which i passionately love to do.

I loose bits and fragments of myself, my truly authentic self that made me 'ME' 

And it's all because I'm never accepted or appreciated the way I am , where I was, these people, places suck the best out of me and when I loose all of the best me , these peoples are gone too. I'm learning a lot of things about myself and others too, and i wished I knew everything which I know now then, but we can't go Back and change what happened because doing that means erasing that version of ourselves too which we have become now, because of pain, hurt,rejection, bully and things like that. 

But we can grow from it become better than who we were before, Of all the things I learnt the best thing about it is that, No matter where you'll go you'll always return back home which interprets as, no matter how much we try to change ourselves and get hurt then learn and try again and after all these processes we find our authentic self in the end, which in the beginning the only place we start from then returned back better than before, that's the part of life that's how things work, I'm learning to be more of myself and not what others expect me to be. The version of Ayesha they have created in their mind is not my responsibility to live upto, 

And there'll always be people who don't like you, hates you for the way you are and things you do, but we shouldn't be disappointed by this because they are simply not our people and you know what?

what one person can hate about us is the same thing someone will love about us, fall head over heals, just because we posses that one thing that once we got rejected for, and this alone motivated me to be myself more and more, the people who are meant for you will stay and those who don't, well you don't have to worry about them they'll leave anyway. The road to self discovery is lonely, but exciting because they're are lot things you never knew about yourself get discovered, learning about myself and what I'm capable to do is so exciting and I'm feeling myself growing as a person everyday. I Used to be the people pleaser and offending peoples is not what I do , because it kills me, I feel guilty to say 'No' or even share my perspective because I had this bad beleif that it's my responsibility to make people feel better about themself and offending them and not reciprocating their feelings is bad thing ( it's not) but I never knew how much I'm destroying myself and hurting myself in the process it's better to feel guilty for sometime after standing up for myself than betraying and letting myself down and building a low self esteem forever, the thing I know and strongly stand to is that "I will not be less for you to feel better about yourself".

With love always,

Ayesha <333